The boys are bathed, teeth brushed, their school bags are packed and I just took a picture of them all warm and cozy in bed. I'm having a hard time keeping up with this 365 day thing. We just haven't done anything to interesting and I haven't taken many pictures lately.
This has just been one of those days. A long day. I guess you could say I just woke up on the wrong side of the bed. This was day 3 of Len not getting home until after bedtime. Still have one more to go. It snowed. Again. Which meant school was cancelled. Too cold to play outside. The boys get bored. I get cabin fever. Sometimes, it just exhausts me to even think about getting everyone dressed and out the door, including myself. Then thinking about breakfast, lunch and dinner. And right when I think I've gotten everything ready, I sit down only to hear, mommy I need more water, or I'm hungry only an hour after we just ate. Winter is just hard on parents and kids. Sometimes I wish I had a gym attached to my house so that my boys could just run all the extra energy off. I sat down on the couch for a minute to get on the computer. Sometimes I just hate technology. It's just so addictive. Not a minute after, Walker had dumped out a box of cheese-its and was stomping on them. One of those days. He fell asleep sitting up on couch today. He has never done this before and I started worrying that he might be getting sick. He fell asleep so fast I didn't even realize it or I would have kept him up. It was an hour before his naptime and he only slept for 30 minutes or so. There went naptime. My solitude. Once again, I was thinking about me, me, me. Yuck. It hurts to type out those words.
It's just been one of those days where the mommy guilt lays on strong.
I was short-tempered, impatient and irritable. I was selfish and wanted me time.
I was not showing my boys joy that I am their mother.
Days like today are not the kind of days I dreamed of as a little girl wanting to be a mom.
My boys still wanted to hold on to me as tight as they could when we read books and went to bed. They wanted me to rub their backs and stroke their hair. They wanted to be with me. Even when through the yucky-ness of our day. They still love me, even at my worst. Children are so quick to forget, to forgive.
It makes me think of God's love. He still loves me even when I'm angry with him, when I'm being selfish, when I'm not spending time with him, and not showing him or the world my joy of knowing him.
I love my boys more than life itself and the beauty of God's love is that he forgives. Tomorrow is a new day, a new beginning and it's up to me to set the tone of what/how our day will be like. It's hard to think that one day, my boys won't want me to hold their hands or give them back rubs before bed. One day, we won't have a little body climbing in the bed with us at midnight, kicking and moving all night long. Sometimes things seem so inconventient or impossible, but I know with winter comes spring and with spring comes beautiful days outside, going to the park and just the feeling of new life. I can't wait for spring! I know this is the most jumbled post ever and I'm a terrible writer, but I just want to be real and write what is on my mind.
My flesh and my heart faileth: but God is the strength of my heart, and my portion for ever. Psalms 73:26
1 comment:
I think it was perfect and heartfelt. Don't feel you are alone - WE ALL have days like that...whether we want to admit it or not!
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